The most evil man in video game history.
(Note: the views expressed in the following article do not reflect of the ScrollBoss staff or management and are only being posted in the interest of fairness.)
Ladies and gentlemen, there is, unknown to most, a hidden threat amongst you. A shard of his evil essence can be found in every shadow and his evil, toothy grin is reflected in every child's tear. His peerless mastery of the dark, forbidden, mystic arts is matched by his overall disregard of everything good and decent in existance. If unchecked, he and his growing legion of mindless, possibly communist minions, foot soldiers and stormtroopers will grind liberty, justice and freedom into the dust. We must unite as one to destroy him before he kills every single one of us. My friends, look upon the face of evil incarnate itself... and despair.
You seem unconvinced. Decades of the maim-scream media's smokescreen has left you blinded to the truth. You've been told that he's the honest hero, the champion of the people and friend of children everywhere. Now, I'm not comparing the media to the Nazi party or hoping to incite violence against them but everyone knows that shooting them in the face with a super bazooka will make their heads explode... just like Hitler. And just like Hitler was evil, so is Mario. The following is my evidence of the truth of what I am telling you.
Mario Bros.: Mario's brother, Luigi the plumber, has a problem. His work is being impeded by many species of rare, exotic wildlife that have adapted to harsh life in the sewers. Because of their will to live, he cannot plumb. Mario to the rescue!!! Yes, Mario (who is breaking union rules because he's a carpenter, not a plumber) and Luigi begin to punch and bash the creatures into submission, shattering their crunchy exoskeletons and coating the sewer walls with their innards. Once the job is finished, the sadistic brothers steal the gold coins that the poor creatures had put away for jellyrolls and Icees. It became clear that ruthlessness runs in the family.
Super Mario Bros. series: While Mario isn't seen doing anything wrong in these
Dr. Mario: Without any sort of medical training whatsoever, Mario somehow manages to provide prescription medicine to desparate patients who hoped to ward off anthropomorphic germs that just happened to be discovered by science at the same exact time Mario's "practice" started. How convenient. Sure, the germs went away but new, identical germs took their place. You can take all the pills you wanted to stuff into your gaping, infected mouth but the sickness kept coming back. Why? Because the big money is in the treatment, not the cure. You don't need to be a doctor to know that. But this monster of a man decided to ruin one of the world's most noble professions with his scheming ways.
There you have it. Every game you've ever played with Mario was a lie that the electronics industry have tricked you into believing. I'm sure you still believe it but that's fine. Keep believing the lies and keep being a sheep. Allow him to stalk your society unchecked and prey upon your people as if the law doesn't apply to him. Just don't come crying to me when he stomps your head into your chest cavity, grabs your pocket change and kicks you off a cliff. For those listening to this and understand what's going on... you're in the resistance. Join us and help us fight this monster in a form of a man. We can't do it without your help. Thank you and Grodd bless.
(the preceeding article was written by the Swiftbarrel Gorillas for Truth foundation. The extremely biased opinions expressed do not reflect those of the staff or management of ScrollBoss. Mario's a really great guy so please continue to buy his products.)