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ScrollBoss Minus World: The most evil man in video game history...

The most evil man in video game history.

(Note: the views expressed in the following article do not reflect of the ScrollBoss staff or management and are only being posted in the interest of fairness.)

Ladies and gentlemen, there is, unknown to most, a hidden threat amongst you. A shard of his evil essence can be found in every shadow and his evil, toothy grin is reflected in every child's tear. His peerless mastery of the dark, forbidden, mystic arts is matched by his overall disregard of everything good and decent in existance. If unchecked, he and his growing legion of mindless, possibly communist minions, foot soldiers and stormtroopers will grind liberty, justice and freedom into the dust. We must unite as one to destroy him before he kills every single one of us. My friends, look upon the face of evil incarnate itself... and despair.

You seem unconvinced. Decades of the maim-scream media's smokescreen has left you blinded to the truth. You've been told that he's the honest hero, the champion of the people and friend of children everywhere. Now, I'm not comparing the media to the Nazi party or hoping to incite violence against them but everyone knows that shooting them in the face with a super bazooka will make their heads explode... just like Hitler. And just like Hitler was evil, so is Mario. The following is my evidence of the truth of what I am telling you.

Donkey Kong: A young woman known only as Pauline and an ape known only as "Donkey Kong" are spotted at the top of an uncompleted building by the infamous Mario, known then by his street name of "Jumpman." Without investigating the situation to see if the kidnapping was consentual or if this "Pauline" was at fault (as women are known to be), Mario begins to ascend the structure to MURDER THE GORILLA. The poor, frightened gorilla begins to roll barrels toward the carpenter in the hopes of avoiding a violent confrontation. Mario's murderous hands grab the nearest hammer they can find and demonstrates his destructive prowess by shatting the innocent barrels needed to complete the building and somehow starting several, small, sentient fires in the process. At a later point in the conflict, Mario is seen loosening rivits vital to the structure by merely walking over them. This was merely the first hint at the dark, occult powers at his command. the rivets merely by walking over them (a possible example of his shoddy craftsmanship) of floors beneath Kong. As the girders begin to fall, the Donkey Kongs begin to flail moments before falling into a pile of girders head first. Kong suffered severe neck, back, and dome trauma. Pauline kisses Mario and falls in love with him, only to disappear for years. When she finally returned to the public eye, the bright-eyed, parasol-losing young woman had grown into a yet another hussy with plumped-up lips, a tight red dress and far too much make-up for a woman who isn't a prostitute. She has obviously been to Mario's Re-education camps and is no longer the innocent woman she once was.

Donkey Kong Junior: Mario was not conent with the corruption of Pauline and the life-endangering injuries Donkey Kong sustained during their original battle. Mario had been disrespected on the streets and it was clear that he had to remind everyone of his true power. He decided to capture and cage Donkey Kong. After waiting the mandatory 48 hours to file a missing person's report, Donkey Kong Jr. set out to find and rescue his still-injured father. Knowing of the son's devotion, Mario made himself quite easy to find so he could ensnare the youngster. Once Junior was in range, Mario deployed a never-ending squadron of blood-thirsty, living bear traps to CHEW THE BABY GORILLA TO DEATH. Of course, this incident was turned around on the network news which allowed Mario's list of crimes to continue.

Mario Bros.: Mario's brother, Luigi the plumber, has a problem. His work is being impeded by many species of rare, exotic wildlife that have adapted to harsh life in the sewers. Because of their will to live, he cannot plumb. Mario to the rescue!!! Yes, Mario (who is breaking union rules because he's a carpenter, not a plumber) and Luigi begin to punch and bash the creatures into submission, shattering their crunchy exoskeletons and coating the sewer walls with their innards. Once the job is finished, the sadistic brothers steal the gold coins that the poor creatures had put away for jellyrolls and Icees. It became clear that ruthlessness runs in the family.

Super Mario Bros. series: While Mario isn't seen doing anything wrong in these games incidents, nothing there is of any importance as it all happens in an extra-dimensional Mushroom Kingdom. Then again, his relationship with Princess of this otherworldly realm throws serious doubt on any media reports from this dimension.

Dr. Mario: Without any sort of medical training whatsoever, Mario somehow manages to provide prescription medicine to desparate patients who hoped to ward off anthropomorphic germs that just happened to be discovered by science at the same exact time Mario's "practice" started. How convenient. Sure, the germs went away but new, identical germs took their place. You can take all the pills you wanted to stuff into your gaping, infected mouth but the sickness kept coming back. Why? Because the big money is in the treatment, not the cure. You don't need to be a doctor to know that. But this monster of a man decided to ruin one of the world's most noble professions with his scheming ways.

There you have it. Every game you've ever played with Mario was a lie that the electronics industry have tricked you into believing. I'm sure you still believe it but that's fine. Keep believing the lies and keep being a sheep. Allow him to stalk your society unchecked and prey upon your people as if the law doesn't apply to him. Just don't come crying to me when he stomps your head into your chest cavity, grabs your pocket change and kicks you off a cliff. For those listening to this and understand what's going on... you're in the resistance. Join us and help us fight this monster in a form of a man. We can't do it without your help. Thank you and Grodd bless.

(the preceeding article was written by the Swiftbarrel Gorillas for Truth foundation. The extremely biased opinions expressed do not reflect those of the staff or management of ScrollBoss. Mario's a really great guy so please continue to buy his products.)

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