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 Run, Woman, Run!
My years of playing video games have helped me to forge a set of rules to ensure my survival in a harsh, cruel world. I memorize the locations of any weapons in every room, watch my enemies to find patterns in their behavior that I can exploit, and avoid water at all costs. Another vital tip is to completely avoid blonde women in red dresses. It's not enough to avoid dating them. You must avoid being in the same area as one for any prolonged period of time. If one walks into a room, jump out through the nearest window. If one knocks on your door, pretend that your not home and begin preparations to move just in case she decides to come back. Even if one merely contacts you through MySpace, delete your profile and set your computer on fire before they find out. Of course, by 'they' I mean the person or thing that's about to violently kidnap her and carry her to the last stage of some dangerous adventure that must be fought through in order for her to be saved.
How long has it been like this? At the very least, since Donkey Kong in the early 80's. Seriously. Even though Pauline wore a pink and white olde-timey dress in the game, virtually all of the official artwork is of her with a tattered red dress. In fact, four of the most classic gaming damsels (except for Princess Toadstool/Peach) have been blondes in red dresses. Pauline, Zelda (see parts 1 and 2), Jessica Haggar and Marion. Why? Maybe it's how modern western culture places thin, fair-skinned and big haired blondes on a higher pedestal than any other woman on the face of the Earth. Hollywood films are just ripe with that notion even to the point of having plots where all the blonde women are innocent while the brunettes are evil (like Prehistoric Women). Since some Japanese video games are influenced by American films (usually to appeal more to our market), the idea of the pure, blonde love interests probably came along for the ride. Here's a gallery of kidnap victims that feature at least one of the common traits (blondeness or a red dress):
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You know what? Save that "Oh, you're a big meanie!" look for your mama. You know it's true. Every time a blonde woman puts on a red dress, she's going to get kidnapped by someone or something with way more hit points than you'll ever have. Sometimes it's a monkey, other times it's robots, but it's usually a bunch of thugs. By 'thugs' I don't these those corny rappers that do videos in their "Tupac Halloween Costumes" either. I'm talkin' about BMF's armed with knives, baseball bats (wooden and aluminum), pistols, machine guns, nunchuku, lead pipes, oil drums and dynamite. That's right... dynamite. I don't know what it's like where you live, but I'm from a place where people who walk the streets with sticks of dynamite in their pocket are left the hell alone. Anyway, these women always get kidnapped. Sure, sometimes they'll mix it up a bit and have a blonde girl with a pastel dress or a brunette with a red dress. But you know that they're all blondes deep down inside and they have a lil' red dress in their closets.
Of all the examples that one can find of this certain 'damsel in distress' template, Marion from Double Dragon takes home the coveted "DUH award" for simply standing there as a squad of menacing goons walk up to her. Their leader, Willy, is armed with an M-16. And she just stands there. Then, one guy punches her in the gut, throws her over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes and walks off to the final stage of the game. During this whole event, she did absolutely NOTHING. She could've screamed. She could've ran. She could've fled, scurried, skipped, vamoosed, tip-toed, exited stage right, beat feet, motored, amscrayed, Audi 5000'ed or got the f#$% out of Dodge. At the very least she could've peed on his shoulder while being carried. I'm pretty sure THAT would've thrown a monkeywrench in that hostage situation. But noooooooooooooooooo, that would've made sense.
